unpredictable one

How can everything change in one day?
31st Desember 2016, the first day I'm trainee in the kitchen of the one famous hotel in Bali, change my own life. Change myself. Change my point of view. Change everything on me.
Asshole.
Asshole.
I'm stupid surprised with the real life. How people punch each other. How money can buy everything, how money can make every single thing to the big whole thing.
And how myself can change with unpredictable way.
The multiple personality is come out from myself. My heart changes unconstantly. My mind move in any ways.
Everything is unpredictable, also myself.

The only thing that I trust is God, the right One, who I can always come to when everything got really worst. Even He never voiced. But, He actually act, in every single breath I take.
I don't know.
Maybe you guys think that it is boring and dramatic to bring God on my way, but it's literally not.
Because I know, I don't have any, I just have Him. Also, He have me.

Every morning since 31st of that December is the sadness. I never proud of myself, never proud of everything that I got. Never.
I'm really sorry for myself. I'm really sorry for the sadness that I made to myself.
I just can say sorry.
Because, I don't able to do any.

The worst things come over, and God is unspoken.
He teach me, I don't know yet what He teach.
I am able to deserve everything.
I am not able for being angry.
I am able for being sad.

My mom is just person that can't always beside me.
She just no one.
She is not exist anymore.
God does.
God does.
God does.

Every multiple personality come out.
The sadness one.
The joy.
The angry.
The confused.
The what... until I can't named it. I can't anymore.
I can't handle.
Even ice cream is on my hand.
Even cake is on my mouth.
Everything is nothing.
Nothing.

So guys, every worst things come around as I said.
And what?
God has every secrets.
So asshole for life